i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
