Sorry, I don't speak sober.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
