I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You ruined the universe
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
