I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
you are never too drunk for berry picking
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
