clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
