I'm going to jail i love you
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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