YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
