I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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