is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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