I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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