she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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