He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
