it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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