At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
