A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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