i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
