what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
