They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
