I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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