I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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