Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
