You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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