i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
