i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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