His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
