just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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