I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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