Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
