I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
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