I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
