Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
