if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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