So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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