R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
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