my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
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