This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
