I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Shame - the story of my life.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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