Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
