but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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