After last night, I could never be a politician.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
