What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
