Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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