Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
