ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
