I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
