I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Maybe he injected his testicle?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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