My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
