You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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