drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Randomize
