when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
this hospital has no fireball
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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